It's never been about readership numbers with me; it's about connecting with others. ( It's the same with my Twitter account. I've been better at keeping up this year, not great, but better).
I write when I have something to share. I'm awful at keeping to a set schedule or anticipated target. I may not feel like writing a post about the letter "B" during the week reserved for the letter "B", because I usually want to write about something else. It's a conundrum, a postulation that evades resolution.
So this year, I resolve to do better, which will probably last as long as most New Year's resolutions last. (The last time I checked, this was about the length of a chicken fart...pffft-all gone!) Here I sit, Janus guarding the threshold, still looking back on what's left of this year and straining to see into the near future.
Staying connected has not been my forte as of late. I usually love the Fall and Winter holidays. This year I feel like I've been coasting along, and I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's left me feeling dissatisfied with myself. Things are ringing hollow. I'm aware that some of this is situational. I'm still very much feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole where I live and I don't believe that will change any time soon- or that it necessarily needs to change at all. If the Buddhist quote is correct and everything really is impermanent, then getting too deeply entrenched really is a waste of time and energy anyway. While I'm not always happy with the direction the flow is taking, I am wise enough to know that you cannot easily go against the direction of the tide. Right now I'm just glad to be in the water at all. Hooray for the little things.
I'm still building my life here, brick by brick. There are days when it feels like I'm carrying all those bricks uphill. There are days I feel like I'm building the Pyramids. There are days when the bricks will not stay in the wall or my carefully laid foundation develops a crack. I am constantly going around slapping mortar into the holes to hold it all together. And I am mindful that sometimes a crack in the foundation is just a place for the light to shine through.
Like most Pisces, I do not do well with sudden change, particularly when it's not my idea. But the Universe continually changes, and sometimes no matter how dutifully you keep at your devotions or how many offerings you make, the Goddess smiles and gives you another serving of bitter herbs,
" Here, I know this is hard to swallow now, but you'll be stronger in the end.", She coos in Her motherly tone. And then when something awful happens- like three of my favorite people dying in the span of four months- and I don't fall totally apart, I'd gladly accept another distasteful portion in gratitude for the strength of my spiritual beliefs because I know this time would not be something I could have gotten through with any form of sanity if I'd remained steadfast in my former monotheistic belief system. As a Pagan, my understanding of death is one of acceptance that the relationships are not lost but changed. There is still a strong bond and a connection with these people across the Veil.
Staying connected also means being mindful and practicing gratitude, being thankful for everything, even the not-so-good things. They say we are taught by everything, and intrinsically I know that's true. Still, there are days I would like to skip school and sit out the lesson. I know I can't ( suddenly the infamous line from the Eagles' song Hotel California is playing in my head," You can check out any time you like but you can never leave"). Sometimes its difficult to figure out which things are the good and which are the not-so-good. That's when another Truth comes into play: " It's all about your perspective."
Ah, perspective. I am not always aware of how relative perspective is to connection. Or maybe I am and I just forget. It's in our human nature to forget abstracts. It's also in our nature to forget what we don't wish to remember. This is why we need the quiet of Winter, where we can go inside ourselves and find all those things we've forgotten about or that have been pushed aside by the business of our lives. While the branches of the trees are bare and stark, the snow coats and softens all the sharp edges; it is so too on cold Winter evenings when we go deep within where our personal spark warms our spirit. I use this time for self examination, to heal my hurts, and to dream.
What do you do during these cold days and long Winter nights? Do you huddle close and shiver, or do you gather your spirit and prepare for new growth?