Time to Clean the Cobwebs Again...

Every so often I have the need to write a few paragraphs about random things going on in my life to clean out the cobwebs...So here goes...

I'm not doing a September 11th blog, I promise. Everyone else is doing one, and I've weighed in on the subject before. It's been ten years and a river of sorrow...it's time to heal. Let's stop calling the World Trade Center Ground Zero. It was Ground Zero when I was there as a first responder; now it should be a sacred place of healing and forgiveness. ( Not forgiveness for the terrorists, forgiveness for the evil men do to one another.) I'm pleased that the September 11th Memorial at WTC has incorporated fountains in the design. Water is purifying and healing, it incubates life, it moves and flows with possibility and potential. The breaking of water releases negative ions, and there is a theory that these ions bind themselves to free radicals which alter mood on the positive end of the pleasure scale. Spiritually, one of the things water 'washes away' is pain...let's hope so. (http://www.911memorial.org)

Fountains at the 9/11 Memorial at WTC

And let's not forget that 9/11 happened in other places besides New York: the attack on the Pentagon was just as devastating to those who lost loved ones in that tragedy. Not to negate the sacrifice of others who died that day, but I personally believe the real heroes were on flight 93 which crashed at Shanksburg, PA. The passengers of that ill-fated flight had an opportunity to fight back- and did. They were the sole victims of 9/11 to have engaged the enemy face to face.
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My involvement with a new church family is bittersweet. While I am excited to be a part of this eclectic group of wonderful people-who are strictly Pagan- I am feeling a little blue about leaving my former church home permanently. I've been unhappy with the direction my former congregation has been heading, feeling disappointed and even betrayed by the behavior of some of my brethren, so this past January I promised myself I would give it one more year to turn around, or I would cut the ties.Undeniably that time has now come, and I have my scissors poised.

I realize you cannot change the behavior of others, but  I can change my own and refuse any involvement with things that I find unethical or immoral. I wish I could say I am leaving without remorse or anger, but that would not be true because I have a huge emotional investment there. Perhaps I have too large a streak of altruism but I also have a genuine lack of understanding of why  people in a denomination known for being engaged in social justice, whose first principle is " the inherent worth and dignity of all people" cannot recognize that when we designate a distinction between  members and  friends based on the ability or lack there of to pledge money to the church, we negate that principle.When we continue to segregate into cliques in the guise of social circles, that is the very elitism that we accuse others of practicing. When we proudly point to foreign missions we support but seemingly refuse to acknowledge the need of  those less fortunate in our wider community-and even in our own ranks- that is invalidating those individuals with a haughty apathy that is simply inexcusable. When we make it about the money, how many post graduate degrees an individual has, or how many membership cards one has in their wallet for the 'right' charitable organizations, that is an inherent bias I cannot overlook- nor do I care to. Yes, it is unfair to focus on the flaws, but we have become so good at self-righteously pointing out the flaws of others that I find it disturbing. To be fair, is not the entire congregation who promotes this behavior- but it is the most influential core group, those who wield the power and dangle the pen above the checkbook who do this.These are the  uberliberals who have gone so far left that they ironically exhibit the same characteristics of the ultraconservative, intolerant political right.

The friends I have made, those who are lovingly enmeshed in my life (and I with theirs) will continue to be so. Otherwise the relationship has soured and become toxic, and I can no longer expose myself to that while counseling and encouraging others not to stay in abusive relationships. The tie has been stretched to the breaking point and about to snap. So mote it be.
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An Affair of the Heart premiers 9/26/11

Seventeen days and counting, and I will be soaking up the good vibrations of the Pacific Ocean in Malibu, California. ( Taking along little bottles to bring home a bit sand and ocean water for my private apothecary and hoping the TSA doesn't think I'm carrying bomb-making materials in my luggage and take those little bottles away,LOL) Finding a few sea shells would be good, and getting to see a live sea lion in its natural habitat would be awesome...Oh, yeah, and spending time with Rick Springfield in his hometown will be kinda cool, too. Attending the private premiere screening of the documentary An Affair of the Heart  with Jessie's Girl's Secret Stalker -who has been my Rock Star Muse for as many years as over half my friends have been alive- is going to be a difficult one to top on the pee-your-pants scale for a lot of reasons, some of which will become obvious if you keep reading.  Yours Truly (who is still incredulous)  is briefly featured pontificating on music and spirituality in the film, as well as representing the segment of those who appreciate his music and  realize the guy has feet of clay just like the rest of us mere mortals. It will also be the first time I meet the other featured fans for the first time- that and supporting this film ( which is a lot more than just about RS and his fans) is the real reason I've ponied up the cash for hotel and airfare. These people have amazing personal stories, and I want to meet them. I've already had my face time with Rick a few years ago, and I'm satisfied that I got to thank him in person for the pleasure I've gotten from his music. And I have to tell you, the fifteen minutes of fame thing Andy Warhol predicted everyone would get in their lifetime is highly overrated. Maybe it's because I learned about the smoke and mirrors of show business long ago, but I'm pretty sure I never want to be a celebrity. Recognition for having something meaningful to  say- and I hope people do find it meaningful and helpful spiritually- would be rewarding. Becoming a pseudo-celebrity because I have rubbed elbows with Rick the Rock God has had the same effect in my life as stepping on a land mine-disruptive.  I truly appreciate the Rick Springfield fans who have sent me little notes and asked to be my Facebook friend ( you have been placed your own list, folks). But on the other hand,the actions of a few petty, junior high school mean and outright jealous  over- the-top  groupies who view me and the other featured fans as  'competition' for the affection of their (unobtainable) fantasy idol has been hurtful and harmful to me personally and professionally. I would be lying if I didn't say that it's killed some of my enthusiasm: not  for the film project or the music, but for all the other 'stuff' that goes on around them.

This has lead me to view the Malibu event with mixed emotions. Besides being marginally annoyed by the flocking of asshats (at least now it's marginal)I am less than thrilled at seeing my Prednisone-inflated body up there on the big screen. Vanity and anxiety aside, I am not happy about seeing my fat ass spread across a wide screen. Yes, it's a body image issue, and yes, I have several of them just like we all do. I'm pleased with myself ( most of the time) that I don't often give mine sway in my daily life because  accepting being a women's plus size- and a petite one, at that- has been a major element to accepting who I am and want to be on the inside. For right now, I am sweating the small stuff like wardrobe and hairdo because I know there will be a film crew shooting the entire event throughout the evening. I'd like to not cringe at my red haired dumpy-ness every time I see myself on camera later....like on the DVD version of the movie...that is going to be snatched up by a large percentage of Rick's fan base.  (How did this become all about me suddenly? That, gentle reader, is why they call it insecurity... Self awareness is a two edged sword. To be truthful, I'd find something about myself to pick on no matter what. That's what we humans do...women in particular. Society and the media that serves it has taught us to never be satisfied with the wonderful variations we all have and instead has brained washed us into disparaging our uniqueness and diversity in lieu of a perfect ideal of beauty. The bastards.) Did I mention there will be other celebrities and industry insiders attending this shindig? But there's no pressure...You believe that, right?
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And finally...There is the joyful realization that the Autumnal Equinox is nearly upon is and that means my favorite time of the year has arrived! Soon there will be a welcome crispness to the air, the  trees will be exploding with color, pumpkins will be on the doorstep and the ancestors will be making their annual journey across the Veil to visit with the living. The signs are already there- I saw them unloading mums and hay bales at the Whole Foods today. Next week I'll start to dig out the Fall decorations, adding in a few Halloween specific things everyday for the fun of it. This year has passed so soon...Don't we all say this as we get older? I like  dancing on the edge of my impending Cronehood because I have never felt less burdened in my life....besides, I have this really neat-o white stripe thing going on with my hair right now that is very Bonnie Raitt. I have finally come into myself, despite the minor derailment caused by the fleeting anxiety of the Malibu trip. On the whole, I like who I have co-created myself to be courtesy of the Goddess. I want to celebrate being alive, and you're all invited to the party.